Emotions of a Breakup

A nap on the couch, and now insomnia, I laid in bed for awhile, but I couldn’t stop the thoughts from swirling, too many feelings close to my heart in my head. Thinking about the estranged woman that I once felt so close to, and now we are quarreling, a test of our pride, today she didn’t call and neither did I. Yesterday, I called her, and I could tell she was not listening, and she ended the called abruptly, said she’d call me later, yet another lie. Anxiety from the trouble reconciling with the notion that I’m single and that I won’t see her anymore. Not the way I used to, anyway. All her things spread around my room, and I imagine stuffing it all in plastic garbage bags, and dropping it in front of the door of her house, a clean severance, nothing to talk about, no reason to see each other. I’ve seen how she is disgusted by me, and tired of my judgments and my miserly ways, and yet I miss her, and the things called love that we shared, knowing that I can say that, all clichés and sentimentality aside. In bed I start thinking, what will transpire tomorrow? Will we talk? Who will break down and make the call? Will I want to answer, or will I attempt punishment for the stricken-heart anguish that has bubbled up at certain times today? She doesn’t want me involved in her life anymore, and feeling shunned, I am desperate, and unable to tap into that joviality and carefreeness that up until this point has sustained me. She held a gathering at her house, and I waited for an invite. All I’m looking for is a show of interest, but I fear she’s through, has shut up her heart, and now is asserting her control over this relationship, taking the reins and driving it to her convenient pastures. This exact same scenario happened at about this exact same time last year. The heat gives her fever, and with all this stimulation, the approaching fall term at a new school, the arrival of her best friend from abroad, make her compelled to initiate changes, trim the weighty fat that drags down her happiness, and that ecstasy of feeling free from pain, which is what I’m bringing her right now. Over the phone, either the last phone call or the one prior, I tried to get her to talk about us, and she assured me that we’re not breaking up, but she said we had some things we needed to talk about, but she could not talk about them right now, didn’t want to deal with me and this relationship, a bestower of frustration and stress when there’s just too much fun to be had. Tomorrow’s the fourth, and I wonder where I’ll be. I bought an ultra cheap case of beer, but there’s a good chance I won’t drink a single one and I’ll mope around the rooms of my apartment, wanting to interact but realizing it may take some work, and to her these feelings are inexcusable and downright depressing, not something she wants to be around, for she won’t rescue me from my lonely despondency, only I can. She did say she loved me over the phone, and that lame part of me felt warm, smothered now by the growing contempt and nervousness, sensations she’s given me before.