12-17-08

The cold may be sapping my energy. The hum of machines may be silencing the thoughts I know are somewhere in my brain. Writing on parchment is so slow, can't usually read what I wrote, and I left all my romance on the bank of the river on the sunniest day. During our meal at work, the subject was death, and someone reasserted that yes if all the other cancers don't grow out of control and smother my organs or if my heart doesn't become so clogged that it explodes then I'll be getting prostate cancer, and when I get older, I have a doctor's finger or shiny probe up my rectum to look forward to. The gals gotta worry about their tits falling off. Celine said something like," I know death isn't something to worry about since worrying about death is so normal," and yeah I don't want to live afraid of dying. All this urgency to make a name, leave something for the world to remember me by is just from the fear of our inevitable demise, and if it's inevitable then fuck it, I'll focus my concern on my trivial meanderings through fantasy and unreality, return occasionally to make a little money in order to keep the landlord off my back, and let death surprise me. Maybe I'll be ready for. Maybe I'll be so bored of life that I only thing left to do is to die.
Or maybe I'll be trip down the stairs and break my neck, the snap so loud it wakes a girl that slept through her alarm, and due to my death she makes it to work on time, and wonders why the police were outside her apartment, but all that is forgotten as she sits down at her desk, and finds compliments adorning her important work. Haunting would be fun. Could death give me the ghost-life that I aspire to, a "life" as an invisible floating brain, observing objectively, possessing both a dearth and a bounty of knowledge and anti-knowledge, prepared to state what is right and wrong. No more human body to sate, no more food to eat and shit to shit, no more refuse to clean up, only mind, my sole responsibility to get lost in thought, create worlds, travel the universe, and come back just in time to freak the shit out of those girls.